Here Comes the Rain Again
So it happened again. I really thought that this change in my life, which takes the focus off dates on the calendar, would have allowed me to never acknowledge what was creeping upon me.
The dark cloud has returned, although it never really leaves. As of late, the sun has begun peeking through the dark clouds more and more each day…until this past week. It is this time every year that those dark clouds open up and unleash the heavy rains upon my mind and heart. It usually starts a few days before Halloween that was the time I had to call the ambulance. The rains get heavier on Halloween day remembering that it was on Halloween that my mom was taken out of my house because it became unsafe for her with no power/heat, hence no hospital bed or oxygen machine. The downpours really begin when the calendar turns to November 2nd remembering when she was released back to me at home and the inevitable was upon us. Then comes Election Day, except 2 years ago Election Day was November 6th, the day my mom left forever. The rains continue on and off for the remainder of the month of November as we move through each block on the calendar. November 10th, we decided to still have my daughter’s 5th birthday party at our house as to not take away her happiness. November 12th, my daughter’s birthday, which also happened to be the date allocated to a “typical” funeral time frame. [Once again we couldn’t possibly have my mom's funeral on her birthday so we pushed the it to the 14th. Yet the memories that flood my mind of my daughter’s 5th birthday are of driving to the Wyoming Valley to spend the night in a hotel in preparation for my mother’s viewing on the 13th. Thankfully, it is not what floods hers.] November 13th, the viewing, no words to describe. Then November 14th, the last time I was able to hold my mom’s hand, stroke her fingers, rub my fingers along the edge of her always long, strong nails. November 6, 2012 (Election Day) and November 14, 2012 the WORST days of my life, floods of memories and emotions no one should ever have to experience.
I hate it. I hate that I have such a vivid memory, and a mind that attaches to number relations. I hate that a date that could just come and go on the calendar has to be marked by a nationally publicized day. I am living through another storm, just like we had 2 years ago during Hurricane Sandy. These are feelings I am not sure I will ever be able to shake. Yet a part of me never wants to because it is in these feelings that I stay true to myself. I am able to appreciate the people in my life who were there during the worst time of our lives. These are the feelings that renew my love for my family.
The past 3 months, I have gone through many changes in my life. As each day passes, I realize more and more that this change probably couldn’t have come at a better time for me; although the ruling is still out on that for my daughter. That being said, I am fully aware that you cannot escape or run away from your problems. I wouldn’t say that is exactly what happened. What happened was that I was able to end a chapter in my life because in the end, I had become a different person. As my husband always tells me “I never said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.” He’s right (yep I admitted it, for once). I couldn’t drive to work each morning without flashbacks of that painful time. I would drive home from work every day wishing I could call my mom to talk as I had for the past 10 years. I would write the date on the classroom board or look at previous year’s lesson plans marked with doctor appointment reminders or treatment days. Then today, of all days, I get an email from a former coworker mentioning the in-service day due to Election Day. Perfect example of “You can run, but you can’t hide!” J But that’s okay. I didn’t need his reminder to know what today was. I moved on and moved out and it has been serving me well.
I miss my mom. That will never change. I want her here in my life and my daughter’s life. That will never happen. I picture the future the way we had always discussed. That will never be a reality. These things will always be nevers but that’s okay too. It’s how I keep her with me. I have a video on my phone that my mom took of me at the Exploratorium in San Francisco many years ago. You can’t see her in the video, but you can hear her say to me “No, do it again!” This voice, this phrase, comes to mind many times when I want to break down and give in to the torrential rain. [Another time I hear my mom is when I sneeze. I know it seems silly but my sneeze sounds exactly like hers (in my head). Isn’t that interesting that (according to the myth) every time my heart skips a beat, I hear my mom.]
I love you, Ma.
